I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
