I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
