i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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