doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
