I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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