Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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