ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
