I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
