i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Is it penis luge time yet?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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