Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
