my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
