rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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