Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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