just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I did not marry a roomba.
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