i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
