its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
