i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
