I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
