Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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