i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
