guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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