so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
