dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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