Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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