I wish I could punch you in the face.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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