Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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