i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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