I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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