so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
