He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
