I'm so fucking centered right now
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
