i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
there is puke in my bra ... again
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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