Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
