Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
