allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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