Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
