Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
