I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
