You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
