Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
