I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
