I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
