Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
