I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
