Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
