You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
