hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
