My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
