He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
