Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
