How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
