Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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